Alice McFlurry

I only have an Instagram account so I can respond to people's photos of their food with comments like "yo, dawg, that looks good enough to eat."

I’m going to wear my "pinch me I’m Irish" shirt with hope that someone will actually pinch me and wake me up from the dystopian nightmare that is the Trump presidency.

Got my Cologuard mixed up with Schrödinger's box and now I’m EXTRA concerned about that poor cat.

I went to a poolside bar at a nearby hotel and ordered a drink and then headed to the restroom.

When I got to the restroom door, I realized I needed a room key to enter, so I started to turn back, but then I immediately saw the bartender who had just taken my order so I asked how I could get into the restroom and he said:

"You need a room key, or, if you don’t have one, the reception desk has a cup..."

and I was like:

"Oh, I don't want to pee into a cup so I'll just wait!"

and he continued by saying

"...the cup by the reception desk has access cards so you can still get into the restroom...if you don’t want to pee into a cup."

😂

10/10 banter with that bartender. Would do again.

Whenever I fly on an airplane, I like to save my snacks and drink cup for the next flight so I can pull them out near the beginning and cause absolute chaos and mutiny by making the other passengers think I somehow received preferential treatment and was served before everyone else.

Back in the early 2000s, I was really into this Nintendo game called Animal Crossing where you'd go running around a little town planting trees and fishing and running errands for the little animals that live in the town and the goal was to make money so you could build and grow your home.

Earlier today, I was talking to my husband and the game came up and he was like "yeah, I remember a lot of my friends at the time were obsessed with that game, but I never got it"

And goblin Alice took control, so I was like "well, yeah it was a really innovative game because it was the first one where the players could have sex with the animals!"

...so, if he comes here looking for facts, PLEASE go along with my story because I want to see how long we can drag out this grotesque work of fiction.

I just did a search to see if Red Robin existed in a specific state and I guess I didn't word it well because it thought I was asking about the bird rather than the restaurant chain and that's when I learned that the scientific name for the red robin is "Turdus migratorius" so that's what I’m going to call Red Robin from this point forward.

Thinking about naming my baby something unique like FuqTrump, but I’m worried all of the other moms-to-be are thinking the same thing.

I'm not emotionally strong enough to handle Otezla commercials because it makes me so sad to know that Ned is still so concerned about his mild plaque psoriasis.

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for doodling.

I want to show up to a local brewery or coffee shop's game night with an elaborate roll out mat, a fancy robe, and a decorative deck of cards just so I can start emphatically explaining how to play something like Go Fish or Uno.

I was watching the Olympics and this event came on called the Biathlon where people shoot rifles and then go cross country skiing and I've been pondering the origin story ever since.

Were they like "shooting a dumb gun isn't a real sport so let's add some slow-ass cross country skiing to the end just to make it qualify" or were they like "cross country skiing is BORING so why don’t we add a part where they're all shootin' some guns just so it's not completely mind numbing" or was it something else in general?

I’m thinking about sending everyone a Polaroid of something super weird and I really can't explain it, but you get the picture.

My company requested a "headshot" and this is the best photo I can find.

He thinks I can't tell that he's recording me, but the joke's on him because I’m recording him too.

Can everyone please stop with the AI generated profile pics?

It's absolute slop and it's killing the environment.

If you want a profile pic that's grossly exaggerated and looks nothing like you, I'd be happy to draw a bad caricature for free.

Can someone let me know the average cooking time for fish?

I can't locate one of those handy time tables on the microwave in the employee break room.

I don’t believe in god because dogs only live for about 10–13 years while Trump has somehow survived for nearly 80.

Every DIY hack:

Why spend money at the store when you can make it yourself and spend twice as much money on materials and ten times as much time assembling AND end up with an inferior product?!?

I would like to settle the debate on whether it's okay to back your car into a parking spot in a parking lot.

The general argument from the pro-backer-inners is that you're reversing your car either way—either when you back in or when you back out.

The difference is how much you inconvenience other people as a result.

If you're backing out of a spot, that typically means you're freeing up a spot for someone else to get into, so that's fine.

If you're backing into a spot, you're taking longer and blocking the flow of traffic AND taking up a spot that cannot be used by anyone waiting, so you are a terrible person.

The most common workplace acronym is KISS which apparently stands for Keep It Stupid, Stupid.

Whenever anyone tells me they're pregnant, my initial thought is about whether they're going to love it or list it.

Congratulations on not having sex to all who celibate.

Seems super stupid to sell seashells by the seashore.

Don’t forget to spring back and fall forward!